Woah, woah buddy! Just 'cause my butt is not blocked and nobody else is up on it doesn't mean you should pull up quick to retrieve it. Baby got a back slap for you, Creepo.
On Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, or Saturday night I am inclined to go out to the bars with my friends. As we boogie on the dance floor I'm hesitant to be completely carefree. As I slowly sip on my grown-up drink and am surrounded by my girls, my concerns are: where's my butt, who's looking in my direction and who's lurking around.
I'm usually doing my signature dance moves or music video dance moves on the floor with the deafening music while standing in a circle with my friends. While enjoying this bonding time some random guy will come up and just start trying to grind with me. No asking if I would like to dance. He is just standing in my dance space, so close that he is practically polluting his lungs with my Garnier Fructice hair products. I don't know you buddy and I've been taught not to talk to strangers, let alone dance with them. Fun dancing fun, mambo, cha cha, salsa, macarena are all fine to do with unfamiliar men. Rubbing up against my back and butt is a bit uncomfortable. Especially when I didn't get a good look at the face, it's not always okay with me at the local bar. In my book, there is a double standard I do admit, as I'm sure other ladies also hold. However, right now I'm talking about creepy lurkers who are out there to grab an ass. To this type, ass is to bar as candy is to candy shop.
The guy who approaches a circle of dancing girls just makes things quite awkward. I never know if I should save my friend or if this is what she wanted. On that note, I'm terrible at saving my friends from a grinder. I'm never really sure how to go about the rescue and not seem obvious as to make things awkward or give off the idea that I'm feeling left out and want to join their two person surprise party. Instead I usually make some confused faces and kind of laugh and slightly back off. My favorite and most used rescue line when I put effort into being the hero is, "I think my friend here has to throw up" ::turn to the friend:: and ask her, "Don't you have to throw up now?" It's worked twice in the same night with the same two people. In short, I'm a bad friend on the dance floor.
Personally, I usually attract the 20 or 30-something year-old guy with the creepy gaze and gait. I also tend to attract the old fellows and occasionally homeless looking guys. Why older men, who look like they can possibly have a 5-year-old of their own are at a college bar is bothersome to me. That breed should be at another bar or be at home reading "Goodnight Moon."
I've gotten good at detecting when I should relocate or turn my butt to a trusting friend. My spidey senses tingle and I can usually smell heavy cologne or garbage approaching--the scent of my fans.
The basics success rules for these guys are simple. Look presentable, smell decent, be of a reasonable age, introduce yourself, have a little decent conversation and get some sort of consent to be on my tush. Guys, let's just nip the whole awkward situation of making five girls feel uncomfortable at once and you getting publicly humiliated while some hip-hop song is playing in the bud. Oh, and the loophole of a guy introducing himself to the bootay owner that he is dancing on randomly for 1.4 minutes does not count. Still a stranger danger.
Good luck with dancing the night away.
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